


Idiot

by Beccafiend



Category: xxxHoLic
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-17
Updated: 2012-09-17
Packaged: 2017-11-14 10:30:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 973
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/514285
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Beccafiend/pseuds/Beccafiend
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Doumeki reflects on just how stupid Watanuki can be sometimes. Spoilers for later chapters. Pre-Rou.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Idiot

**Author's Note:**

> Written about 3 years ago. Another transfer. xD Obviously, this was written before the end of the series - well before the disaster that was xxxHolic Rou. Thus it's set prior to that time, but still well into the canon story.

Idiot. I can’t even remember how many times I’ve called you that by now. It must be somewhere in the hundreds. Maybe even thousands. I wouldn’t know. I never kept count.

 

I’m not sure whether it’s a force of habit, or if I really want you to know how I feel. I guess it’s a bit of both. That’s always how it seems, anyway.

 

If you could hear this now, you’d probably be confused by my words. As usual. Dumbass. There I go again. Insulting you. Calling you stupid. But I think anyone who’s been around us these past months, once we finally started to get along, would argue that it’s the truth.

 

I’ve never been a talkative person, really. Like you’ve said before, I’m a very blunt person. I just don’t like to waste words on people. I keep things simple, and to the point.

 

That characteristic makes the words I do say all the more meaningful. Or so others have told me. I guess it makes sense. Where most people use a lot of words to say something, I use a single word, which implies more than meaning.

 

You’re one of the people who know this best about me. You’re probably the one person I’ve spent the most time with, outside of family.

 

And yet, you never seem to be able to interpret what I’m saying correctly. The only way I get a message across to you is through my actions, and even then, you don’t seem to fully get what I’m trying to say.

 

If it wasn’t so frustrating, I’d probably think most about how ironic it is. The one guy I know who talks the most (and the loudest) is the one who I spend the most time with willingly. And the one guy who never actually gets what I mean when I do bother to speak.

 

But then again, I guess that’s how we’re the same. We spend hours together, but I still can’t understand you. You will ramble about something for a full 15 minutes, but I can’t get what you’re trying to say at all. I don’t think I’ll ever fully understand that, or you.

 

Sometimes, I’ll feel like I’ve got you totally figured out. What you’re thinking, what you’re feeling. It’ll be written clearly across your face, visible through your actions and expressions.

 

But, other times, you’ll say something that makes no sense whatsoever. And then you’ll get this look on your face, this pensive sort of look. You suddenly get all distant, and quiet. Completely out of character.

 

It’s those times when I realize how there’s still a huge part of you that I can’t figure out. And, no matter how hard I try, I can never decipher you when you get that look on that face. And, I’ll be honest, it’s kind of refreshing when that happens.

 

For me, people are usually pretty easy to read. I’ve always been pretty good at figuring out what people are thinking and feeling, and what they’ll do next. How they’ll react to a situation before it even happens.

 

But you’ve never been like that. You can still surprise me with your reactions to a situation. For once, I’ve found someone that isn’t easy for me to read without much effort. And that’s why I still spend time with you now.

 

It’s true that I started trying to get close to you after that one day. You never noticed I was there that rainy day, when you said it. <i>‘ _I’ll die like this, too. Alone.’_ </i>

 

For some reason, even then, something in me couldn’t stand to see you look so sad. So… alone. I still don’t know what possessed me to do it. What possessed me to take it upon myself to make sure you weren’t alone.

 

Whatever the cause, that part of me that made me reach out to you is why we’re here today. And even though you’re not always clear to me, I know that what you said that day doesn’t apply anymore. You aren’t alone like you were then. And none of us who are close to you now are going to let you die that way.

 

I don’t think you realize how much we care about you, though. Yuuko, myself, and everyone else you’ve touched since getting a job at that shop. You know what you feel about us, and you act on those feelings, usually pretty idiotically, too. But you don’t always realize how those actions affect <i> _us_ </i>.

 

I try to tell you this all the time. I try to tell you through my actions. Through my words with double meanings. I’ve told you the same thing almost as many times I’ve called you an idiot.

 

But you still don’t realize, most of the time. I can see it in your eyes. You still can’t figure out why I do the things I do to save your life. You don’t know why I still stay around you willingly, or the meanings behind my less dramatic, but equally meaningful, actions that aren’t for saving your life from whatever danger you’ve managed to get yourself in.

 

It does surprise me how you could be so stupid sometimes. How could you not realize that I care about you? How could you not realize that I don’t want you to disappear? How could you even think that I still hate you, after all that I’ve done to show you otherwise?

 

That’s why I call you an idiot so often. Because you fail to realize what I’m always trying to tell you. What the others are trying to tell you. You aren’t alone anymore. We will do anything, just so you won’t disappear. We care about you. But you still don’t seem to realize.

 

You know, Kimihiro, you really are an idiot.


End file.
